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Lenten Retreat: The Dismantling of the Religious Self, Session One

Philokalia Ministries

The Dismantling of the Religious Self Four Lenten Reflections on Delusion, Abandonment, and the Life That Remains in God “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”John 12:24 The fathers speak very little about religious success. They speak constantly about religious delusion. Not because religion is false, but because the ego can survive inside it indefinitely. It can pray. It can fast. It can obey. It can sacrifice. It can appear humble. It can appear faithful. It can appear entirely given to God. And yet never cease to exist as the center of its own life. The religious self is the final refuge of autonomy. It is the last structure to collapse. Christ did not come merely to forgive sin. He came to destroy the self that lives apart from Him and to raise the person into a life that is no longer his own. This destruction does not occur all at once. It occurs in stages. First, the destruction of false fulfillment. Then, the destruction of false righteousness. Then, the destruction of the self that believed it belonged to God. And finally, the revelation of the life that remains when the self that lived has died. This is not metaphor. It is the path. First Reflection The False Light That Feeds on Devotion On Seeking Fulfillment in Religious Things Instead of God “My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?”Psalm 41:3 (42:2) Evagrios of Pontus returns again and again to the command of the Lord because he knows the tragedy of the human heart. The command is heard. It is repeated. It is admired. But it is not yet obeyed. “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.” Matthew 6:33 This is not because the man refuses God. It is because he does not yet know how to live from Him. The soul seeks life with a desperation deeper than thought. It cannot endure emptiness. It cannot endure groundlessness. It must drink from something. And until it drinks from God Himself, it will drink from what surrounds Him. This is the beginning of the spiritual life for nearly every man. He turns away from obvious sin. He enters the life of prayer. He begins to fast. He reads the Scriptures. He studies the Fathers. He orders his days toward obedience and repentance. He removes himself from the chaos of the world and places himself among holy things. Everything outwardly moves toward God.But inwardly, something subtle and terrible begins to form.The man begins to live not from God, but from religious life itself. He begins to draw life from proximity. From belonging to the Church. From serving others. From participating in sacred rhythms. From being known as faithful. From being recognized as someone who has given his life to God. These things give him structure. They give him identity. They give him continuity. They give him the sense that his life has weight and meaning. And this feels like life.But it is not yet life in God. Christ did not say blessed are those who surround themselves with religious things. He said, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in Me.” John 15:4 The branch may rest against the vine. It may touch the vine. It may appear connected to the vine. But unless the life of the vine flows into it, it remains dead. St. Isaac the Syrian speaks with terrifying clarity about this condition. He writes that the soul seeks rest relentlessly, but until it rests in God, it will rest in created things. Even in holy things. Even in prayer itself. Because prayer can become a place where the ego hides. St. John Climacus warns of this when he writes that vainglory attaches itself to every virtue like a parasite. It feeds on fasting. It feeds on prayer. It feeds on silence. It feeds on obedience. It feeds on tears. It feeds on devotion itself. It is possible to pray constantly and remain centered in oneself.